雅思强人帮我看看我的作文有几分（给点建议与意见）

雅思强人帮我看看我的作文有几分（给点建议与意见）
Q：many people believe that the main aim for university education is to help graduates to find better jobs, while some people believe that university education has wider benefits for individuals and society . Discuss both views and give your opinion.
In recent years, going to universities to get better education has become a very popular choice among students. However, when it comes to talk about the main aim for university education, opinions are various. While many people are behind this stance that the university education can help graduates to find better jobs, the rest of people hold the view that university education has wider benefits for individuals and society. But I found it hard for me to agree both of them fully. As far as I am concerned, these two ideas are reconcilable.
First of all, the main job of university it to cultivate talents who can make great contribution to the society. After studying very hard for 12 years, high school graduates have laid a good foundation. So the most significant thing in university is to develop the students’ confidence and capability, which can help them to adapt the society much easier. A good case in point is Bill Gates’ experience. Bill was a student from Harvard. When he was a student, he started with the engine of Microsoft. With the size comes power, Microsoft dominates the PC market with its operating system. Now Microsoft has become the biggest software company in the world and Bill Gates is the richest man in the world. So from Bill Gates’ story, we can safely draw the conclusion that during his two years in Harvard the university education developed Bill personal computer skill and confidence which heavily influence his career. And his work also influences the society a lot.
In addition, people attend college can obtain more choice, higher salaries and more opportunities for advancement in an increasingly competitive job market. A person who possesses a Computer Science degree would not only be qualified by high-tech companies but also be well prepared for any job with computer skill as a prerequisite. And a college graduates with a credential from a well-known university are more likely to receive more job offers and command higher salaries than applicants who lack college diplomas.
Last but not the least, with the economics booming the number of university graduates has increased rapidly. If you just hold the credential from a University, you won’t be employed because of lack social experience. So during the university time, with the help of university education, students should develop their imagination creativity capability and confidence which will make their future brighter.

when it comes to 改成 in terms of 结构的,who lack 我知道你的意思,但do not have 就行了,lack 很少用在人上.总体上语法中规中矩,可以到6分吧,再高就看运气了.不过你的观点好像有点一边倒了,这个除非是大牛可以这么写,一般还是正反讨论,指出你倾向那边就行了.