GRE issue写作求指点

GRE issue写作求指点
下面是题目和我写的文章,希望各位高人能指点迷津,先谢谢拉～
题目：
"as long as people in a society are hungry or out of work or lack the basic skills needed to survive, the use of public resources to support the arts is inappropriate - and , perhaps, even cruel - when one considers all the potential uses of money."
文章：
The writer's advice, in the view of charities, is a good idea. In his advice, he says that every people in hungry or out of work or lack the basic skills for survive should has the high priority to use the society resources. However, from the point of the whole society development, this idea is not complete right.
As we all know, though, most of us did not need to worried about how to find foods or how to survive. But at today,there still have some people in some place like African, Haiti and so on, need to struggle for these problems. They always hungry, out of work, lack basic skills for survive. From the writer's perspective, these people are the group who most need the society resources. After all, we can not to say his idea is wrong. If we take a few part of the money that used to construct modern buildings or used to buy luxury goods to these people. Their poorly situation will be improved significantly. If it is possible, for the sake of humanity, we should and must to do that.
It is not a problem if this is the whole story of the writer's advice. But the writer's idea is that if these people still exist, the use of public resources to support the arts is inappropriate and even cruel. This is a little extreme. his means that we should take all of our resources to support these people first and then use the rest of them to support the arts. Despite whether this advice is reasonable. Is the poverty really can be eliminate completely, it is a problem. Through the relativity of things . We just do our best to solve it, but we can not guarantee how long it will be complete eliminated. Don't we not to support any form of arts during this time? The art is equally important to our society, especially in this age of plentiful material property.
In sum, we should respect the writer's justicial advice for the humanity, but we should also known that the development of society needs diversity, most of issues should be considered and balanced rather than just develop one of them. The writer's point obviously have some extreme, he could say that the poverty problem should have a high priority instead of that it would take all of the public resources.

首先字数就不太够.建议多假如例子,这个题目例子还是很好找的.
其次,结构不太像是一篇完整issue的结构,issue我个人认为是辨证的说理,你的文章里没有体现出这种思想.
建议先多看看北美范文,或者看下别人的提纲,推荐不考G不舒服斯基以及无敌神猫的提纲,都可以做个参考.
先把结构的东西搞明白了,后面的才好铺陈开来.
再次,单纯看这篇文章内容,也存在几个问题,最明显的是用词过于简单“this idea is not complete right.”我们很少说一个论点 right or wrong,你可以用更精确一点的词.第二,在说论点的时候过于平淡,如果可以尽量写出书面一点论点.“most of us did not need to worried about how to find foods or how to survive”显得累赘,如果用有些地方物质资源贫乏会不会好一些?那些通俗的说法不放放在举例说明当中,不要用来做论点.