好吧,这个雅思作文,偶修改第三遍了,各位善良的人,帮忙看看这样子算逻辑清晰了么?7分有么?随便说

好吧,这个雅思作文,偶修改第三遍了,各位善良的人,帮忙看看这样子算逻辑清晰了么?7分有么?随便说
1.教育（因材施教和群教）Topic:Some people think that schools should select students according to their academic abilities while others believe that it is better to have students with different abilities study together.Discuss discuss both side and give own opinion
These days,it seems quite common that schools arrange students as their academic abilities.Meanwhile,to those students who have other abilities,many particular schools and educational institutions are available.In this essay,while there are certainly valid arguments to the contrary(many argue that schools should have students with different abilities together ),I personally believe that educational authorities and instructions should keep their traditional strategy unchanged.
Obviously,in many cases,students benefit greatly from the method of selecting students according to academic abilities.Fist of all,this means can positively help motivate students’ potentials.Specifically,teachers can set different teaching objectives,prepare various teaching materials and adopt unique teaching design.Therefore,to the students,they can receive more specific and useful guidance.Moreover,it is generally believe that selecting students who have similar abilities in one group is beneficial to students’psychological health .This method is able to prevent the students with highly academic level from being overconfident as students in the same level results in constantly fierce competition.At the same time ,the students with other abilities can make friends with those of same interest as well as recognise their value,rather than feel extremely self abased due to low academic level.
Admittedly,having students with different abilities study together probably contributes to diversity.Students,those who study well,those artistic genius and those individuals with specially athletic talents seem can mutually discussing,studying and exchanging ideas in these kinds of classes.However,we have to admit that ,with this kind of arrangement,students with high level of academic abilities could not focus on their studies and others would lack effective guidance .As a matter of fact,it seems only grouping (according to academic and other abilities) can compensate these drawbacks.
By way of conclusion,I once again reaffirm my position that selecting students according to their academic performance is a wise choice as it is of significantly positive to students’ study and mental health while the overall effect of coaching students together appears to be negative.

我不敢妄下断言说有没有7分,但是可以帮你指出其中一些小问题,
1.第二段第一个词obviously,最好在你的作文中不要使用,因为外国人觉得obviously这个词太直白,都是这么明白的道理了,还用得着你说么,所以,在写作文的时候obviously,it is obvious that之类的说法最好不要出现.
2.第二段第二句:this means can positively help motivate students’ potentials这句话从句没有主语.
3.第二段倒数第三句:At the same time,典型的chinglish,at the same time在英语中主要用来表达时间上的同时,你这里是表达意思的递进,应该用furthermore,in addtion之类的词,或者干脆用finally都可以.
4.第四段第一句:By way of conclusion,基本上没人用这个说法,直接写in conclusion或者to conclude就好了.
4.第四段同句:reaffirm就是重申,再一次强调的意思,前面那个once again多余了,如果你非要加once again的话,这句话应该是I affirm.once again.
5.注意一些词的用法,比如：while这个词,一般前后表达的是相反或相对的意思.
6.注意长句,很多人为了拿高分就拼命写长句,可问题在于长句往往又会造成语法错误,我的意见是你的topic sentence最好用简单句,让人一目了然,后面的解释或者例子可以使用长句,这样至少考官不至于连你这篇文章的大意都看不懂.例如,你最后一段的总结完全可以断成两个句子,后面positive and negative effect可以用while连接成复合句,前面就用简单句总结你的观点就好了.
7.写东西的时候不要先想中文再翻译成英文,这样会造成chinglish,切记切记!
先说这么多吧,希望对你有所帮助,有什么问题可以给我留言