请教高手帮忙修改雅思作文,最好打个分,谢谢!

请教高手帮忙修改雅思作文,最好打个分,谢谢!
Topic：Some
people think that a sense of competition in children should be encouraged.
Others believe that children who are taught to co-operate rather than compete
become more useful adults. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

With the improvement(development) of the society
and the transformation of the educational concepts, parents and the society
have become more andmore concerned with the education of
children. However, the children should be taught to co-operate or compete is becoming a hot topic in
contemporary society. As far as I am
concerned, both abilities are important to the kids’ growth and mature.

Convincing arguments
can be made that the children should be encouraged to be more competitive. Currently,
the population has been booming at a
staggering rate for quite a long time. Great numbers of children are
crowded into the school. If you want to obtain better education experience and find
more paid employment, you need to make yourself more competitive. Moreover, a
sense of competition is one of the best ways to the children’s growth. It is universally acknowledged that if
the children feel the competitive pressure from their peers, they always
performance better than on a lazy state. So, appropriate competition is
beneficial to the kids.

Undeniably, co-operate
is another important ability for the person to achieve his/her dream. No one can say that he could survive
without other’s help in this world, especially
in a developed society, in which one only focus on his own occupation while most
of necessities are supplied by other people, or even by other country. If the children
learned how to co-operate with others to fulfill a big task, they would be more
likely to succeed in their future. After all, the school is a miniature
society. They inevitably need to contact with their classmates, bosses,
colleagues, families.

On the basis of all the
above discussion, it can be concluded that both the competition and
co-operation are vital for the kids’ growth. Our parents and teachers should pay
attention to these two abilities’ training, and let them know both abilities areimportant to their future.

However, the children should be taught to co-operate or compete is becoming a hot topic in
contemporary society.
语法错误
If you want to obtain better education experience and find
more paid employment, you need to make yourself more competitive.
不要用YOU.
以下省略